Realizations..after a third of a bottle of Fundador.

I had a really fun night. I got to host and to be with my friends from high school. It was a really great evening, but i knew in my heart that there was something missing. I mean, someone. Well, it was not after me and two or three of my friends finished the whle bottle of Fundador that i got to say my piece about this friend who I really like. Well, I will try my best to repeat every single thing that I said during the party, but i do not promise that it would be the exact same thing. So here it goes...

This GUY, whose name I shall not reveal for various reasons, is not really the type who would be considered my type by most of my college friends. It's not that he's not good looking, HE IS, but he's just not as remarkable as most of my crushes. And so with that, I put an end to all speculations that I have a crush on him, I DON'T. He was never the type who would give me butterflies in my stomach or who would make me feel all perky or funny inside whenever he walked by, nothing like that. But when I think about him, it's just impossible not to smile and think, "I could really spend the rest of my life with this guy..." Well, yeah I know, it is too early to really tell, but I really do feel that way. I know that he's not ready for any serious relationships or the like, right now, because mainly of how things turned out from his last relationship (which was AGES ago) and because he's so focused with school right now, and I think he seriuosly wants the white jacket. I seriously understand these things and I can seriously deal with them; I am very much willing to wait. And my willingness to wait goes beyond his pursuit of the white jacket, I am seriously going to wait and hope until there is nothing to hope for anymore. I know that it sounds crazy but that is how much I like him. (I would not want to use the word love as I am still not sure whether I truly love him or not. Oh, yes, I do love him, he's a great friend, but I'm still not sure whether or not the love that I feel for him goes beyond that.) I have seriously planned my life with him in each and every step of the way, it's not that I'm sure that he feels the same way about me, truth is, I do not really know how he feels about me, but I just can't ignore this nagging feeling and wanting of him being there beside me until the end. I know in my heart that even if the time comes that he already has a buldging stomach, receding hairline and not-so-cute face, I can still look at him and be happy. It really goes beyond what people normally think as "crush" or "puppy love", but it is too soon to say that "I have found forever". I know that he is the reason why no matter how many guys I meet, I can't make myself commit, because I know behind everything, I am seriously waiting for him, whether or not he knows this or not.

I am not closing any doors, I'm just hoping I find the key to this one. I know that there are a lot more people to meet and to know, lots more to build relationships with, I know that there is a very big possibility that HE and I will NEVER be together, and I'm okay with that, I know that if things don't work out as I planned, God has a better plan for me and that in that plan of His, I will be happier...I am just...really, really HOPING.

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Okay, for those people reading my blog and who are really anti-romance or allergic to anything mushy, I'm so so sorry. I promise that this will be the first and last time I will be writing about him and how I feel about him. I love you all!

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